Ugh.
The fever.
My baby girl's FIRST fever.
It was hard. It was stressful. I worried too much. I had a lot of questions.
But through this experience I have felt a shift in mindset.
I feel myself with a stronger sense of appreciation and gratitude for Lily and everything she does. Everything she does. Especially the things that are difficult, like when she doesn't sleep or when she wants me to carry her all day. Those things I now feel more gratitude for. More love for. Even more excitement for.
After seeing her feel so crummy, a whining fiery blob, when she was finally better it was the most amazing thing to see her smile. A simple thing, a smile.
I feel refreshed.
I feel like the reset button has been pushed on me and my perspective as a mother.
And I needed it too. I was having a difficult time. Many tasks felt heavy.
You have to go pee? Well, if you leave the room she's going to cry, so bring her with you. And if you bring her with you she has to sit on your lap. Ever try to pull your pants down when you are about to pee your pants while holding your babe? And if you decide instead to let your 10 month old crawl in the bathroom you have to spot her when she pulls herself up on the knobs of the cabinet drawers. Because at a certain angle and weight distribution, that drawer comes flying out and she falls backwards.
Stay hydrated they say. If you are breastfeeding it is more important than ever to be hydrated.
Hydrated? You want me to be hydrated? Sure. Because going the bathroom is a breeze.
Turns out being dehydrated feels easier.
Anyways, this is just one example of something I was taking for granted. A task, a daily experience, I was viewing myself as a victim. A victim of my circumstances.
Poor me. Poor Kayla. She has to go through so much to go pee.
It made me first, not want to be hydrated. And second, I dreaded going to the bathroom. It felt so hard. It felt so hard to go through all the steps.
What makes it "hard" anyways? Is this truly a hard task?
There is a saying, "nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so." This is one of my most favorite sayings that I constantly fall back on when I am off center. When I feel myself reacting too strongly to something is helps redirect my focus.
It speaks to the idea that every experience in life, just is. It. Just. Is.
The experience gets the label of "good/desirable" and "bad/undesirable" when we attach meaning to the event or experience. When we start to narrate a particular story in response to what happened. Making it feel one way or the other.
Let's take a rainy day as an example. One person may say, "A rainy day! I love rainy days! I have been looking forward to staying in my jammies all day and reading my new book. What a perfect day to do so!"
That would be an example of labeling the experience as good. A particular description and frame of mind makes the rainy day feel good/desirable.
Another person may say, "oh crud, a rainy day. I hate rainy days. I had plans to go to the park today with friends to play frisbee and now those plans are ruined. This sucks!"
That is an example of labeling the experience as bad. A particular description and frame of mind that made the rainy day feel bad/undesirable.
What does "just is" look like?
"A rainy day? Is that so." 🙂
There is no labeling of anything. No good or bad, no desirable/undesirable. Just the acceptance of whatever the experience is.
I'll say it again, "is that so?" 🙂
I am not saying having a positive outlook is a bad thing. Because it can feel really good to have this kind of mindset. But what I am doing is illuminating the power of our words. Can you see how powerful each narrative is? The one that is excited about the rainy day, what kind of emotions do you sense? And the one that is dreading the rainy day, what kind of emotions do you sense there?
Each narrative provokes certain kinds of emotions.
Is that not the coolest thing to recognize?
To acknowledge that WORDS can directly influence our FEELINGS.
That is our power.
POWER.
Okay, I digress.
So how did I get here?
I say all of this to come back to my main perspective shift after the fever day I had with Lily. I was reminded that nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so. And this can be said for things in life being easy or difficult.
Nothing is easy or difficult, but thinking makes it so.
It's all about the story you choose to narrate. HOW are you narrating the events in your life? Are you creating your character in life to be a victim? Poor me, everything is so hard. I cant do anything. (That was me). Or are you choosing to create your character to be a kick ass rock star. I can handle it. It will work. I. Can. Handle. It.
In addition to saying the words, there is another part which is that you have to feel the truth in the words. Sometimes it's hard to do. Especially when the house is a mess, you still haven't brushed your teeth, there is laundry exploding all over the floor, your babe just ate lunch and is covered in food (and the kitchen floor, and the dog) because baby led weaning is the new and hip way to feed, you don't know the last time you did anything by yourself, and you have texts that are days old you still haven't responded to.
I could keep going.
But I won't. I think the picture has been painted.
Life can feel hard. Especially when we look at all the things that we find as evidence to prove our very point.
That is where we must stop ourselves and shift. That is where we must say, "I can handle it. It will work. I can handle it."
As we slowly adopt this, and choose to feel it as truth, we will find evidence to prove this new point. We are able to find the things we HAVE done that we ARE doing that clearly show, we👏can👏handle👏it👏
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
When I look back on the time frame where Lily was so fresh and new and I was so fresh and new as a mother, I can see I was kicking ass. I can see that every damn day I woke up, ready to face the day. I did my fucking best to care for myself, and my baby.
And not only did I care for us, but I went even past that and did other things that felt hard. Sometimes I needed a push. There were times I bailed. And this is all okay, because...balance.
I say this because in the first few months, and even sometimes today, I felt like I was failing. Like I was totally drowning in my new identity. Like I couldn't handle even the smallest of tasks and that I should have been doing better than I was.
What a crummy friend I was to myself.
Thanks for your support, Kayla! You're a real rock!
But I can look back and see that time as a time of transformation. A time of intense resilience and determination. A time of growth.
Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
Life was changing, and I needed to change with it. I needed to accept my new identity as mother, and go through the tough challenges to learn.
Growth is not easy. It takes a lot of energy.
I remember one day, Lily was roughly 2 months old, when I went outside to get some fresh air. Lily was colicky, so she cried for most of her day (and so did I). I walked outside with the intention of healing. I love to turn to mama earth for that. It's something I talk to Lily about as well. All the times she couldn't sleep because she was too gassy or couldn't poop, I would walk barefoot outside with her and whisper in her ear, "Let's ask mama earth for healing, lets ask her to please help your belly feel better." We would breathe deep, and imagine the discomfort running out of her body and recycling itself into the earth. Then we would imagine new energy flowing through Lily and soothing her experience.
The fun thing about this mindfulness exercise, was that there were many times she would miraculously poop just a few minutes after.
Anyways, my story.
So this one particular day as I walked outside I passed one brightly colored yellow daffodil. The first one of the season. I stopped and stared at it. Admiring the presence of spring.
I asked this flower, "why does growing have to be so hard? Why does it feel so difficult? How do you make it look so effortless and beautiful?"
I don't remember what the flower responded with, (sorry daff), but I can tell you it's all in the mindset.
It's all in the mindset.
I too am a beautiful brightly colored spring daffodil. One who patiently waited all winter in the dark dirt for the days to start getting warmer and longer. For the birds to start singing a different song. For the trees to start budding.
You see, life goes in seasons. We can't always be in harvest season. And we can't always be in the winter season. Life flows in a circle of variations.
So when you are in one season, know that eventually you will move to the next.
Find flow. Find release. Find flexibility.
Let go of resistance. Let go of expectations. Let go of rigidity.
Be where you are, and find love and appreciation for where you are. Because everything is temporary. You will soon shift to the next season.
Don't hold resentment for one season, dragging your feet wishing it was different. Because soon you will be in the next season, and you may find the last one was better than you thought it was.
Each moment is precious. Each experience is sacred. The people in our life are priceless.
Stop wishing life were any other way than the way it is. Because you will find that mentality follows you no matter where life takes you.
It’s like people who say, once I have THIS then I will finally be happy. No, because once you have that thing, you will find another thing to say, "once I have that other thing THEN I will be happy." It’s a constant chase of happiness.
There is a saying that even when all your dreams come true, you will still feel the way you feel right now.
Sure there’s probably some temporary high feelings of elation and accomplishment. But that fades and you will be back to whatever your average flow is. Whatever beliefs you hold.
If you hold the belief that happiness is always something you work for that is out of reach, then that is how life will always feel regardless of any event.
The change comes from your belief system. Changing the belief that you don’t need ANYTHING to make you happy. All you need is to choose happiness IN THIS MOMENT.
What you crave in the future, is what you must embody NOW.
It’s within you. It may be DEEP and it may take a great deal of effort to find it. Like looking for that other shoe in the midst of your overflowing messy ass closet floor. But you know it’s there.
Find a way to be okay with how things currently are and they will magically start to always be that way. Because that will be how you are operating.
Does this make sense?
Tell me if it doesn’t.
To sum up!
-Find gratitude with where you are.
-Be kind and gentle to yourself - you are doing better than you think you are.
-Turn to nature more often for healing. Mama Earth's healing love is limitless.
-Don't freak out about a fever. A fever is the body's natural response to fight off an invader, find trust and faith in the body. (No medical advice here, obvi take them seriously and monitor your babe. Just trying to help you not freak out like me!)
-If a fever gets too high, don’t bother with liquid medicine. Suppositories make your life way easier.
-Do more things that you love.
-The cleanliness of your home is not a reflection of you and your abilities to be a mother/wife.
-It’s okay to cry if things feel hard.
-Let the tears flow, dust yourself off, and say to yourself “I can handle it.”
-Drink your water, even if it means you have to pee. 😉
I had no idea that Lily getting a fever would spark the thought, insight and perspective that it did.
She’s all better now and we are back to our normal daily flow. The daily flow is the same, but my mindset has shifted for the better.
<3
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