“You two should date each other.”
“No, no. We are just friends!!”
After 4 years of keeping Patrick in the friend zone, it hit me one day that I might have stronger feelings for him than “just friends” typically do.
As friends, we often found ourselves spending hours on hours talking about anything and everything. Now in a relationship since 2015, (and still spending hours and hours talking together) I have learned so much about myself and us as a couple.
So what have I learned?
The 7 Lessons
Always assume the best.
Seek first to understand.
Love your partner the way they want to be loved.
Vocalize your wants, needs, and desires.
If you face adversity, work as quickly as you can to arrive back to homeostasis.
Variety is the spice of life.
Unconditionally love your partner for who they are.
Below I take you deeper into each of these concepts. My hope is for you to integrate some or all of these principles into your own relationship.
1. ALWAYS ASSUME THE BEST.
Often in life our brains jump to conclusions, and it’s usually a conclusion that does not serve us. Start to increase your awareness of when you have a negative assumption, and choose a positive one instead. Work on changing your automatic response to always assume the best.
What does a negative assumption look like?
Sometimes we think our partner left their dishes in the sink to purposely upset us. Or we think they did not text us a good morning text because they don’t want to talk to us.
Negative assumptions are unhelpful thoughts that your ego creates, or better put, makes up. These assumptions take a toll on our state of mind, because we start to swirl out of control in more and more unhelpful thoughts about the situation. We make up an entire story that did not even happen.
What emotions do you experience when you have these stories playing out in your head? Frustration? Impatience? Defensiveness? Maybe some anger? The more you play out that scenario inside your head, the more upset you start to feel.
Why allow yourself to continue down that path of negativity? That path is not serving you, it’s bringing you further away from happiness. And further away from your partner.
Your partner may have genuinely forgot to put the dishes in the dishwasher because they had something on their mind. They are doing the best they can, and purposely upsetting you is not on their agenda.
The truth is, everyone is doing the best they can in any given moment. And we do not get to decide what another’s “best” looks like. Who are we to judge how someone else should be? We do not know what they are going through, we have not experienced what they have. We all come from different life paths that have shaped us to think and behave the way we do. We have our own traumas and obstacles, that no one else understands and feels like we do.
So instead, choose to assume the best intentions in your partner. If you find they did not text you back, assume they wrote out the text but forgot to hit send. If they leave dishes in the sink, assume they were running late to work and did not have a chance to do it before they left. Assume they plan to wash the dishes when they get home. Choose to tell the story that makes you feel good.
We all deserve happiness.
Let go of unfair judgements and assume the best in your partner. When we make this choice we are practicing compassion, and giving ourselves the opportunity to experience inner peace.
2. SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND.
If you are reacting negatively to something your partner says or does, seek first to understand where they are coming from.
Your brain might be making up assumptions. Resist the temptation to react defensively. Breathe, and allow your partner to talk more about what they mean.
Be genuinely curious about their way of thinking. It can be difficult to quiet the immediate thoughts and assumptions you might have, but you can do it! It gets easier with practice, as with everything in life. Take a pause and a breath. Say to yourself, “I am opening my mind to my partner's perspective.” Repeat this to yourself as many times as you need throughout the conversation.
Be mindful of your tonality and body language, we want to come off as loving, supportive, and curious.
It’s about demonstrating to your partner your patience and understanding. Give them the opportunity to talk more about what they mean, and give yourself the opportunity to hear a new perspective. Behaving in this manner will show them that you value what they think and have to say. Isn’t that one of the greatest gifts we could give our partner? That we value their words? As humans, we all have a strong desire to feel important and accepted, give those gifts to your partner!
Going along with value, how does it feel when you are speaking and someone interrupts you mid thought? Or tries to finish your sentence?
Be cognizant of how you are communicating with your partner. Allow them the time and space to express what they need to.
So let’s vow to always try our best to allow our partner to say all that they would like before we offer our own words. We will have our turn to talk. And when it’s our turn, our partner will be more likely to fully listen to what we would like to say. Decide today that you will honor your partners turn to speak, and actively listen to them.
Traits of an active listener:
Quiet your mind. Pause all thoughts of what you wish to say. Choose instead to be in the moment. Immerse yourself into each word and concept that your partner speaks.
Let them know you hear them. Head nods, “mm mhm,” saying “yes,” and making eye contact are subtle cues you can offer your partner to let them know you are following what they are saying.
Give them feedback checkpoints. Throughout the conversation, take a moment to summarize what you think they might be saying. “So what I am hearing you say,” is a good format to follow.
Clarify anything you might have questions about. This goes along with the last point, feel free to ask questions throughout the conversation to clarify something you might not understand.
Do not grab the microphone. Picture the person speaking holding a microphone, and there is only one microphone. Only the person holding the microphone is the one who speaks. The person not holding the microphone is essentially apart of the audience.
Do your best to be open to your partner's perspective. It's not so much about agreeing or disagreeing with them, it's about respectful communication. It’s about being able to share with each other in a healthy way, and growing together. Our views will sometimes be different from our partner, and that is okay. This is where we can get the most practice with healthy communication and sharing.
3. LOVE YOUR PARTNER THE WAY THEY WANT TO BE LOVED.
This was a big learning curve for me, as my partner and I have different love languages. Once we discovered our own love language, we were able to better communicate with each other. Have an open conversation with your partner about what you both need and desire from each other.
In the book, “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, Gary says we all have different ways in which we express and experience love. The five love languages are:
Words of affirmation
Gifts
Acts of service
Quality time
Physical touch
Which one sounds like your primary love language? When do you feel most loved? Is it…
When your partner tells you how they appreciate you and that they love you? (Words of affirmation)
When they bring you flowers and chocolates? (Gifts)
When they clean the house? (Acts of service)
When they spend time with you on a Sunday morning? (Quality time)
When they hold your hand and rub your back? (Physical touch)
Knowing your own love language is important, and it is up to you to tell your partner how you need to feel loved. They will not know unless you tell them. Have you ever heard of the saying, “you don’t know what you don’t know?”
Ask your partner which one sounds like their language. Remember, it might be different from yours. Take the time to talk with one another about which of the 5 types you identify with. Brainstorm examples for how the other can show love in the way that you need and desire.
Knowing each others love language is crucial for a relationship to flourish!
4. VOCALIZE YOUR WANTS, NEEDS, AND DESIRES.
As much as we might wish for our partners to be able to read our minds and know exactly what it is we want, it is just not the case. It’s not fair to think another human has the mental capacity to not only manage all they are thinking, but to also know what we are thinking.
We live busy lives, with busy minds. Think of the last time your partner asked you to complete a favor around the house. Did you know what they were going to ask you? More than likely, you had something else on your mind. And this is 100% okay! It just goes to show that we need to clearly articulate to our partners when we need space, the dog fed, or where it is we want to go out for dinner.
Tell your partner what you need to feel supported, loved (like we talked about earlier), cared for when we don’t feel good, congratulated, etc… They will be pleased about the direction, and you will be relieved to receive what you need!
Here’s a great example for you. Pat and I went on a snowboarding trip together fresh into our dating relationship. Pat wiped out pretty bad and slammed his body on a sheet of ice. From what I witnessed it looked like he was no doubt in a lot of pain. I raced to him, got down next to him, and started saying things like, “oh my gosh, are you okay? Awh, babe, that looked like it really hurt. Ouch. Awh, I’m so sorry.” All said in a very caring and concerned voice.
Pat snapped at me, I can’t quite remember what he said, but I do remember feeling upset for the way he reacted. I didn’t talk to him for the rest of the ride down the trail. I was pouting.
This incident sparked a conversation about what we each need in a situation where we are hurt and experiencing pain or discomfort. Pat told me that when he gets hurt, he prefers to not be smothered in love and questions about if he is okay. It feels best for him to deal with it himself and be left alone.
On the other hand I want to be smothered in love. I want back rubies, I want compassion, I want someone to acknowledge how awful it must have felt.
So in a situation where I saw Pat injured, I treated him the way I want to be treated, smothered in love. That is what I know. But it turns out it's not what my partner needs in a time of pain and discomfort.
Now when I find myself in a situation where Pat is hurt, I know exactly what he needs to feel supported. That is because he clearly communicated to me what it was.
This is so important! You must tell your partner how you want to be treated or they will not know. Similar to what I did, they will likely treat you how they want and need to be treated.
Next time your partner does something that is not what you need, vocalize what it is you do need. This is your responsibility to communicate it and no one else’s. Remember that they truly won’t know unless you tell them. Be respectful and honest, and have the strength and openness to also hear what your partner needs.
Be flexible. Be willing to adjust your ways for your partner. Not smothering Pat when he injured himself was a difficult adjustment, but now I do it with ease! It took time, and it took dedication. It took me putting aside my own preferences, and putting my partner’s preference first.
It's not always easy. But it's always possible and always worth it.
You will become closer with your partner when you openly communicate what you need from them.
5. IF YOU FACE ADVERSITY, WORK AS QUICKLY AS YOU CAN TO ARRIVE BACK TO HOMEOSTASIS.
The time we have on this beautiful Earth is finite. Each breathing moment is a precious gift. I believe it should be spent in love, happiness, and joy as often as possible. Why? Because it feels good.
How amazing does it feel to laugh until your cheeks hurt?
Or to be so overjoyed with gratitude you feel tears streaming down your face?
What about receiving unconditional love and support from a close friend or family member when you need it most?
Small gestures are my favorite. Everyday when I come home from work, no matter what my partner is doing, he comes to give me a hello hug and kiss. It is so special to me.
I strive to have as many moments like that as I can in life. I do not live as though obstacles do not occur, because in fact they do. And I welcome them, as that is where growth and self discovery take place.
What is important is that we look for the lesson. Ask yourself, “what is here for me to learn?” Do not linger in feeling like a victim or upset about what has already happened. The past is not something we can change. So why resist this? Choose to look forward.
We get to decide how to move forward. We have that power! Determine the path that best serves you. Ask yourself, “will this matter a year from now?” The answer will likely be no. A year from now you will still be madly in love with your partner.
Pat has always been so good at helping us move through adversity quickly, and not spending unnecessary time lingering in the past about what has already happened. I tend to be the one to pout, and say things like “I just need to be upset a little longer.” And I believe this is okay. I usually laugh when I say it, recognizing I am acting much younger than my age. But it gets easier and easier for me to move forward the more I do it.
So embrace the love, take the lesson life is offering you, and move quickly back to being centered.
6. VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE.
When you are doing something you have never done before, or don’t do often, you are outside of your comfort zone. Outside of your comfort zone is where you grow. It is where you learn more about yourself, your likes, dislikes, preferences. It is a valuable place to spend time.
This territory is where you are forced outside of your normal habits, routines, thinking patterns, and are able to see things from another perspective. New trains of thought are formed that otherwise would not have come into your awareness had you stayed in your routine.
If you spend time outside of your comfort zone with your partner and do things you have never done together, then you will learn and grow as a couple.
Try a swing dancing class, visit a museum, play a youtube yoga video outside in your yard or at a park, go golfing, take a cooking class, buy a board game and have game night, make nachos, try a new recipe neither of you have had and cook together, go to a concert or comedy show… you get the idea.
While routine is nice and comfortable, it can become boring!
One of my most favorite spontaneous activities Pat and I did together was on our 3 year anniversary. We lived in the cute little town of Easthampton, Massachusetts that had a bike path seconds from our apartment. We went out for a walk together with no plans for the rest of the night. There was talk of movies, bowling, game night, we simply couldn’t pick our anniversary activity. We gave up on planning and decided to just go for a walk to see where the night would take us.
As we got closer to what is called “Millside Park,” a park with basketball hoops, a playground, and a pavilion for concerts, there was an outdoor concert booming! There were beautiful white string lights illuminating the area, food trucks, vendors selling goods, and people dancing their hearts out. While neither of us were dressed for such an occasion (I had athletic walking clothes on) we decided to give it a go.
And what an amazing time we had. We shared so many laughs, and lots of silly energetic dance moves. Attending a live music performance was not something we do on a regular basis, it was new and spicy! This brought us both out of our usual comfort zones and we experienced something exciting together.
It was one of the coolest date night activities we have ever shared together. And we attribute it to our theme of spontaneity and willingness to try something new.
So be willing to try an activity you have never tried before. Make it your mission to experiment with various activities you and your partner may like.
7. UNCONDITIONALLY LOVE YOUR PARTNER FOR WHO THEY ARE.
I saved the best for last. If you find yourself wishing your partner had different qualities, then you are not loving them unconditionally. You are actually loving them conditionally.
Under your conditions, that is when you love your partner. How unfair is that?
Weren’t we just talking about how we are all doing the best we possibly can?
I invite you to catch yourself having thoughts like, “I wish my partner would do _____ better” or “I wish my partner had qualities like ______.”
Appreciate your partner for who they are.
You fell in love with them for a reason. Remember that reason, and come back to that reason when you find yourself in a mindset of lack. Gratitude will always bring you to a place of abundance and love. Appreciate and love your partner without any conditions tied to your love.
Gratitude will always attract more gratitude. Similar to lack will always attract more lack. You receive what you focus on.
If you focus your attention in life on the things that bother you, more of those things will occur. But if you focus your attention on the things in life you love, you will receive more of those.
Find things about your partner you admire. Say them to yourself. Write them down in a journal. “I am grateful my partner rubs my back when I am feeling overwhelmed.” or “I am grateful my partner always knows how to fix the toilet.”
The objective is to switch your mindset from a place of lack to a place of abundance. Gratitude is your ticket here. Find even the smallest thing you appreciate about your partner. “I am grateful for my partner’s sexy salt and pepper hair.”
Share these with your partner! Let them know what you appreciate about them. We all want to feel like we belong and that we are important.
The more you practice expressing gratitude, the easier it will become.
And you will notice shifts in your life. There will be more and more love pouring into your experiences everyday.
Loving your partner unconditionally is one of the greatest gifts you could offer to them.
Conclusion
Well, there you have it! Each of these lessons has brought my partner and I closer as a couple. Taking the time to learn more about yourself is so important for growth. You will notice all other areas of your life improve when you improve individually.
One of my favorite quotes a teacher of mine shared was, “I will take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.”
This speaks to the importance of self care. When you take better care of yourself, you in turn take better care of your relationships. When I do the things that make me feel complete, like going for a walk outside, reading, cooking, or playing with my cat, it makes me a better partner, a better daughter, a better sister, and a better friend.
When your cup is full, you have some to share.
To recap:
The 7 Lessons
Always assume the best.
Seek first to understand.
Love your partner the way they want to be loved.
Vocalize your wants, needs, and desires.
If you face adversity, work as quickly as you can to arrive back to homeostasis.
Variety is the spice of life.
Unconditionally love your partner for who they are.
Each day is a new opportunity to learn more about yourself, and learn more about your relationship with your partner. It is a journey…an adventure…that is exciting, difficult, rewarding, and is filled with smiles, feeling listened to, and feeling loved unconditionally.
What have you learned from being in a relationship?
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